Sitting, thinking

This week has been one of little activity, by choice. I am still recouping from malaria to a degree for it has left me weakened. There is a very large seminar that is going on now her at the seminary. All of the evangelists and pastors from the Morogoro area are in attendance to hear lectures about current church issues and have forums on strategizing the ministries of the Lutheran Church in this area. Instead of sitting through these lectures in Swahili I have been focusing my efforts on getting stronger and healthier so that I am tip-top shape when I go home. I have been trying to gain back some weight so that I do not scare my family and friends. I think it is working. 30 pounds is a lot of weight to lose in three months.

It has been interesting just having so much time to reflect about my experience here this week. It is as though my brain refuses to do it. No matter how hard I try I can't reflect on anything, as though my mind were preventing me from turning around and seeing what I have done as though to protect me from what I might see. I know that as the days ahead come and go I will be able to reflect more and will really feel the power of something much larger than me that has been here in Tanzania, but for now I am just a little numb. Right now my mind really only lets me be introspective about home and what is ahead of me right now. As I look to the journey of going home and being at home one thing keeps popping back into my head over and over. Do not go home with expectations. Just as it was not a good idea to come to Africa with expectations and pretenses, it is not a good idea to go home ideas of what is going to happen either. I know that as much as I would have liked it to, home has not been suspended in time. Home has changed like I have. People have changed. I know that I must come home with an open mind and heart, for there may be people that I once really liked that may be completely different when I get home, and not just because they have changed but because I have.

I have no clue how much I have grown here, and only time will tell to show how much I really have. I do know that I am leaving here changed though, that is one thing that I am almost certain of. Something inside of me is different, though I do not know what it is. I know that re-entry back home may be the hardest part of the whole experience and that adapting back to where I have spent nearly all of my life is going to be a challenge. I am oh so curious to see how things have changed, if they have at all. I am nervous and excited and fearful and happy and every other emotion that you can think of when it comes to going home, but in two days I leave. In two days I embark on the final leg or perhaps the first leg on my journey.

I know that I have seen things here that no one will ever see. I have experienced once in a lifetime happenings everyday here and I am reminded every single time that I step out my door by the Baobab tree that I am in Africa. That for three months I lived a dream. I know that I am going to miss this place. I know that there are going to be times when no one can comfort me because of the empty feeling that I have inside that can only be filled by watching the sunset behind the mountains in Tanzania. I will yearn for the solitude, and long for the silence. All of these things will come in due time, but for now I am numb.

Peace,
PHW